Marriage Advice

and the controversy that ensued

Welcome! For those who are new, here’s a little intro so we can be friends faster before we dive in…

My name is Tara. (Most people call me T.) I am the author of Finding Everyday Fruit and Waiting On Wonders. I am also a contributing author in the 30-Day Devotional, Chosen, from Seacoast Sisterhood, and the 365-Day Devotional, A Year of Hope, from Hope*Books.

I couldn’t be happier that you’ve chosen to read what I’m putting into the world. I pour out my words here every week, and if you enjoy them, I’d love for you to leave a comment, restack/share with friends, or add a little heart to let me know it resonated with you.

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MARRIAGE ADVICE

Thirty years ago this summer, I got a tiny piece of advice on my wedding day that has kept me from making a huge mistake time and time again.

Now, what I did not know is that this tiny piece of advice would be one of the most controversial things I’ve ever implemented and shared with others.

I was told, “When you climb into bed each night with your husband, make sure that your feet touch under the covers. It’s hard to be mad at someone and touch feet.”

Yes, I said it. Feet. Apparently, there are very intense opinions on feet, whether you like them or not, and whether, God forbid, your feet touch someone else. Because I don’t necessarily feel this way, I had no idea this topic was so polarizing. I thought this was wonderful advice, and so I posted about this several years ago, and the Internet went BANANAS. (Not in a good way.) Anyone who read the advice and chimed in negatively completely got lost “in the forest for the trees” and missed the sentiment and heart of the article completely. The post garnered a lot of attention, but not in the way I hoped.

SO - I ask this one thing of you. Before you shut off your computer or phone and dismiss the rest of this article because I’m talking about feet, please give me a chance, regardless of your opinion, to explain and give you a way to implement this concept in your marriage, too (no feet involved). Deal?

My ride or die for the last 29.5 years ♡

Why this works

I had no idea, all those years ago, how impactful this piece of advice would be and how many times in our marriage this would be the small act that kept us united. This simple act of connecting each evening has become something in our marriage that helps keep us in alignment with one another and the Lord.

Since being introduced to the concept, it has become our go-to recommendation for young couples as they approach their wedding day. “Touch feet—trust us!” Of course, it never fails that the advice comes with some strange glances and nervous laughter (or outright disgust). However, it’s wonderful when some of those same couples have returned to tell us thank you for passing along that piece of guidance that was passed along to us.

Here’s the thing. It doesn’t have to be feet. It can be touching hands or elbows or kneecaps or noses…I do not care, and please don’t get stuck on the fact that it’s feet. Just make sure that you are practicing a daily physical touch point with your spouse. This will help you reconnect and reunite and allow the Spirit’s fruit to grow in your marriage.

(Everyone OK? Still here? No one setting fire to Substack, right? Read on.)

How to put it into practice

What does this look like practically? (Again, don’t get sidetracked here. Just stick with me through the concept.) At the end of the day, when we climb into bed, we let our feet touch as a symbol that everything is ok between us. Sometimes we make mention of it, sometimes not. But it’s a ritual in our bedtime routine that keeps us grounded. It’s a symbolic way of saying that there isn’t anything that feels frustrating or upsetting standing in the way, and there isn’t anger in our hearts towards each other.

Ephesians 4:26 says,

“If you are angry, don’t sin by nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry—get over it quickly.”

That is one of those verses in the Bible that you want to live out, but when it comes to the moment, you secretly wish you had never heard it!

Likewise, Romans 12:18 encourages,

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

That verse does not mean you allow yourself to be walked on or that your voice is never heard. It does mean that you work, through the power of Jesus, to live in a way that mirrors the Lord’s heart, which is to desire the fruit of the Spirit of peace. Touching feet is one way to accomplish both of those mandates. It’s an end-of-the-day marriage proofer.

Yes, there are other things we must do as husband and wife to work on our marriage: communication, connectedness, and intentionality to love, serve, and honor. However, touching feet has proved to us to be the physical representation of those verses I mentioned earlier. It has become a daily reminder of our need for each other and to allow the Lord to be the center of our marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, there are those nights when we don’t want to touch feet. On those evenings, one of two things happens. Either it’s a very late night getting everything sorted out between us, or we simply climb into bed, fired up about something, back to back, silently wishing one of us was selfless enough to make the first move. Inevitably, the following day, we are painfully aware that we not only wasted the joy of being in fellowship with one another but also realized we’ve broken fellowship with the Lord by disobeying what he has commanded us to do. Those are the most challenging times, and we must repent to the Lord, make it right with each other, and “touch feet” again in our hearts.

To that point, sometimes physical touch isn’t possible, but a desire to stay unified remains. This great advice can still be implemented. For example, when my husband is traveling, and we’ve had a difficult phone conversation, or even sometimes when we’ve just had “intense fellowship” by text or phone in the middle of the work day, we will end our discussion by asking, “Are we touching feet?” Posing this question leaves us in a place where we know that we are honoring the Lord by choosing to be at peace with one another, if only in concept alone.

Life is short. We aren’t promised the next minute, much less the next 50 years. So, it’s essential to get this right and make the most of the moments and days we are given. Although we fail, get angry, and want our own way, most nights, my husband and I are touching feet (and yes, we do) and resting with the peace of Christ in our hearts, knowing we’re doing the best we can to honor Him.

Thank you for sticking with me, and regardless of how you feel about feet, we’d love to encourage you and your spouse to adopt this concept in whatever way is meaningful to you. Choose to stay connected daily, letting His Spirit and the fruit He wants to produce in your life be your guide. Then, pass this advice along to others (if you dare).

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I hope this little post reminds you that He always wants to teach you and point your heart toward His (even through stories about feet) and that His presence and the fruit of a Spirit-filled life are available to you if you’re willing to raise your awareness to them.

Much love,

-TLB

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